Intergalactic Crappy News Express - Planet Bongabonga -49th

Meanwhile on Earth, 25th, September 2006
Orang utans face extinction
Cardiff University conservation geneticist Dr Benoit Goossens said the primates were found in 11 genetically isolated sub-populations in the Lower Kinabatangan region.


On Planet Bongabonga -49th
Orang Wutans Jerkin’ to Ecstasy

Car-Drift University conservation genitalist(Ballz & Cunt Specialist?? lolx! – Mob) Dr (Chris)Benoit Goose said the primates were found in 111 genitalia isolated sub-populations in the Lower Kinda-of-a-Battered-Hand region. When you have so many fine-lookin’ female primates lazying on trees exposing their barangs here and there, the males must’ve had ‘their hands full’ – Mob.

“If nothing is done, most of these sub-populations will be extinct in the short and medium terms of less than 50 jerkin’ years,” Dr Goose said after a seminar on the future of the orang wutans in the Lower Kinda-of-a-Battered-Hand region on Fry’s day(Hey, I’m a Futurama-fan – Mob).   

Another orang wutan researcher Dr Iceball Lack-a-man-Pancreaz, co-director of the NGO HUTAN(‘I Owe Money’ in Canto – Mob), based in Syokaukau, Kinda-of-a-Battered-Hand said there was an urgent need to separate close contact between the orang wutan’s hands from his/her genitals by forcing them to wear cooking gloves to prevent primates choking their chicken to death.

“But establishing these rules is a slow process and illegal genitalia-stimulation may still occur in the meantime. Only a combination of Self-Abstinence and Lust Renunciation will succeed in eliminating all premature ejaculation risks and controlling inbreeding(omg i didnt change this – Mob) in the Kinda-of-a-Battered-Hand orang-wutan population,” Dr Lack-a-man-Pancreaz said. 

She said there was also a need for the orang wutan libido to be increased to enable the overall population to grow its organs to a viable size.  Zabah Wildlife Department director Dildo Andyou said that while it was looking at ways to connect the Lower Kinda-of-a-Battered-Hand orang wutan population to the populations of Segaliquid Lookan/Dryamakot (North) and Ulu SegaPs2/MaluAr (South), it would simultaneously conduct managed ‘no-hands-grabbing-crotch’ amongst the primates. 

The semen-nar funded by the ButtFisting-based Darkwin Initiative for the Survival of Species saw researchers conducting monitored handjobs on the short, medium and long term future of the primates. It was organised by the Zabah Wildlife Department, Universiti Malaysial Zabah, NGO HUTAN and Car-Drift University (UKiok). 

The models were based on information gathered about the primates, including their demographics, genetics and density of their privates.