Sunday, October 23, 2005

A Practical Guide to Produce Your Very Own Cheesy B-Grade Efx-Laden Hollywood movie

Make a short, really short name, case example: 'Stealth'. Buy scripts, really short ones too, 'coz it would be cheap and the actors won't need to remember any. Spend the entire budget on effects and more effects, hey, Lucas did it and gets away with the last 3 what-ever-movies-it-was. visualize the scenes you WANT to have in your movie even if it has nothing to do with the story, for example: The Armageddon walk-with-attitude scene.

Have at least ONE attractive female lead, so all the hot-blooded soldier boys out there would wanne see this epic. Even the dykes too. Have the female do something 'politically-correct' like being a tough macho ACE pilot in the world of men but has a fabulous body! No one can say anything now, eh?

Throwing a piece of ass is a major boost for tickets.

All monitor or screen graphics has too be comprehensible even to the untrained eye, colourful so even a complete nincompoop would understand the usage of Quantum Physics should the need arise. The Bad Guys have to look like your local mamak or VCD seller. The more 'ugly'(normal Asian) they look the better so every American would know who to pounce/ burn their shops on the next 'race-riot'(Christmas, I heard).

Since there's three pilots and the white couples have the hots for each other, the Black Dude shouldn't be left out. He must have an Asian girl because having another white chick is sooo wrong and the whiteys(KKK & American Nazi Party) wouldn't like it. So in comes the Asian Whore/SPG/Yellow Slut. She must be dressed like a Street Hoe while going to a temple so the Gwailors will know that if you wanne 'hit' an Asian girl, go to the nearest temple. Our Gods must be a Whitey or totally devoted to kiss Red-necked inbred Americans.

Have the Black Dude do something 'local' like accompanying the whore back to her pathetic hut in the middle of a Paddy-field. The locals would love this gesture of 'Ass-kissing' and would remian an American-Ally forever!

Allow the whitey couples develop some heat and then add abit of guilt when they realised they should remain ethically professional, whatever it is, the audience would be too dumb to know if we ourselves don't.

Proceed to kill off the Black Dude since his 20 mins is up! Fuck his talent or even if he's a huge star and being undermined in this silly little movie. We're just milking him for m-o-n-e-e

Build some tension, create something awful/disastrous using break-away states from former-Russia. Putin won't sweat it 'coz he's now an American Ally and we can shit on his former countries whenever we like. Look what we did with 'Zoolander'(if anyone remembers, shout it out in the 'Comments' section). Anything that has a 'Tan' or 'Khan' sound at the end of the country's name is good! They must have medieval-looking castles where the Bad Guys will be taking refuge so we can blow it up. Looks good in 3-D, ya know...

... though the Baddies lives on castles, we must humiliate them with 18th century choice of transport, using farm animals! The missile warheads looks cool on a cart, too, plus, those farmers are cheap, more money for the effects, Yee Haw!

Hey, those terrorists are too mean-looking, let the audience know they're imbeciles by firing their AKs into the air! Ratatataatatatatatard! ahhh... felt better already, now the fools won't stand a chance against our modern weaponery.

Let everyone know about US Navy's state-of-the-art refueling technology in mid-air. It has 'Female-voice' authenticating our pilots, hey, price of fuel is getting higher by the day and we can't have anyone coming here at 50,000 feet and get Free Petrol ya know... just make sure the voice is heard even if your pilot is in the 100 mill interceptor with equally expensive all-weather-soundproof glass.

If the Chinese can have acrobatics, we can do it with our planes too. Don't say we haven't keep up with times, this is blatantly copied and styled after THE MATRIX circa 1999.

Look you Russkies and Chinese, our jet-fighters looks darn good. Beat that!

Since North Korea is declared 'Evil' we should have someone of Asian origin that looks as nasty. Get the tea-boy from Chinatown, shave his head shit-ugly and punch his nose IN! All Asians MUST have flat noses! No one except the europeans, aussies and brits should have 'well-defined'(crooked) nose! Find some old WW2 uniform that spelt 'COMMIE' to whoever that wears it and cast em as 'props' for our mighty missile casualties scene.

Have the same 'Evil' dude near the ending taking pot shots at our Heroine while our Hero comes dashing to rescue. Move to kill the 'Evil' dude in the most miserable way possible! Hah! He deserves THAT for scratching our Main Babe.

Explosives at the END of the movie is best describe as, 'ending it with a Bang!' Now that's what the audience are paying for since fireworks are scarce.

Have a memorial at the end, not to remember their dead friend, the Black Dude, but to show how impressive the carrrier group is, we could do a great pan with cameras to show America's might. It should deter Osama from ever running a dinghy with explosives into any US Navy ships again.

End the movie with our main Hero promise to 'ride her pony til it hurts' to our Heroine. And another Global disaster being single-handedly staved by these two Americans! All the collateral damages like an entire village wiped out by nuclear dust after our flight aces blew the castle away with their missiles will be easily forgotten by the audience, hey, they can't even remember it was Tajikstan. The North Koreans will be propagandised as Evil and all Asian-lookalikes are either whores or should be whipped into submission.

Conclusion: Jamie Foxx is being treated like a retard here. He should start choosing his roles or sack his manager. Jessica Biel has the most memorable performance, err.. actually her cute and tight butt did the trick. Believe me, I zoomed in on her butt and it was all GOOD! I don't remember the 'other' actor's name whom is suppose to be the lead. Rob Cohen the director is profoundly stupid or maybe the producers are, whichever comes first.

Hope I made a BIG mockery of this film.