Sunday, January 07, 2007

VMY2007: How to Own Your Very Own Slaves

The real deal Master-Slava

About Malaysia. Truly Asia.
Uniquely MALAYSIA: How to Own Families and Have Them Work For You, for LIFE!

1. Contacts.
Hang out at Toddy Shops. Get to know your local shady palm plantation Toddy(cheap & lethal palm wine)-joint owner. Make a deal with owner to supply you information on poor sods who borrows heavily for Toddys.

2. The Deal.
Make a deal to ‘buy’ over debts accumulated by those poor drunkards and offer take them off the Toddy owner’s back. You could get ‘friendly’ with these ‘targets’ too by offering them toddys once a while. Spring the trap to loan them money at the mere whimp of these victim’s money troubles.

3. The Package.
Once you secure these ‘contracts’ of IOUs from these victims while they’re in the state of intoxication, proceed to hire ‘Muscles’(your in-laws and nephews will do) to roughen up the victim and his family. Time to put your Bollywood theatrical skillz into action, ask nephews to flash torchlights when you shout at the top of your lungs to demand ‘Justice’ and what’s owed to you to maximum effect. Proceeed to bundle victim and family into minivan and head on to the ‘Gulag’(Good ol Malaysian Palm oil plantations, heard rubber is making a comeback, so you might wanne consider getting into it – Mob) and shove them a shoddy shed to live for the next… lifetime if you’re ‘good’ at what you do.

4. Reward.
Make up all sort of excuses of servicing their mounting debts whenever victim approached you for the balance owed to you. Use electric bills, water bills, your son’s school books to prolong their ‘services’ to you. Beat them if necessary BUT always use your Bollywood acting to end these engagements with fake tears in your eyes and explaining to them you’re doing it for THEIR own good. – again ask nephew to flash torchlights, hidden of course behind your back. Ask whole families, including schooling children among the families to help ‘speed-up’ paying their debts their family owed to you. Wave Toddy in front of hopelessly addicted victim’s face if all measures failed.

5. Secure Perimeter.
Use your fat and loser nephews as make-believe thugs. Train vicious dogs and son-in-laws to guard area surrounding the families sheds. Have curfews to stop these buggers from creeping out and seek help from outsite. Make an ‘Example’ out of someone amongst the families, use a retard relative to point to them it is futile to escape.

With these 5 pointers, I hope you will be on your way to live your Bollywood dreams, at the expense of your ‘workers’ of course! Hope to you see you at the top of the slaver…oops! I mean the top of the chain…

– S Maren (In-hiding ‘Labour-Supplier Specialist)

This VMY2007 Special Highlight is brought to you by our very fine palm-oil plantations in conjunction with Visit Bolehland 2007.